Management (1)

Contents of 10-Minute Management Course

Lesson 1

A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”

Puff! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.”

Puff! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?”

The eagle answered: “Sure, why not.”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

“I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

Thus ends the five minute management course.

Management (2)

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”

The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Language (1)

If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.

(Recording on an Australian tax help line.)

Language (2)

The Italian who came back from Malta told this story. (Must be read out loud with an Italian accent.)

One day Ima gonna Malta to da bigga hotel. Inna morning I go down to eat breakfast.

I tella waitress I want two pissis toast. She bring me one piss. I tella I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know the girl and she call me sonna ma bitch!

Later I go eat at da bigga restaurant. The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on da table. She say you better no fock on da table, you sonna ma bitch. Da lady look nice but she call me sonna ma bitch!

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call da manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit onna my bed. He say you better no shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. Da manager is educatit but he call me sonna ma bitch!

I go to checkout and the man at da desk say “peace on you”. I say “Piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back home.”

Note: if the man goes to Vietnam, he should learn Vietnamese so that he knows what services are provided to tourists. See a hotel ad below. Hint: he does not have to bring his wife along.

Language (4)

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone.

A few days later, he received this cable:

MOST HONORABLE SIR,

YOU LEAVE HOUSE. I WATCH HOUSE. HE COME TO HOUSE.
I WATCH. HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE, I FOLLOW. HE AND
SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE. I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE. HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP
HE. HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE. I NOT SEE.

NO FEE,
– CHEN LEE

 

IT (1)

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstalled doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User

REPLY

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

IT (2)

A user calls assistance service, and a technician takes the call..

User: My internet is not working properly…
Technician: Ok, double click on “My computer”

User: I can’t see your computer.
Technician: No, no… click on “My computer” on your computer..

User: How can I click on your computer from my computer?
Technician: Listen… There is an icon labelled “My computer” on your computer. Double click on it.

User: What the hell, what is your computer doing on my computer?
Technician: Double click on your computer.

User: On which icon I have to click?
Technician: “My Computer”.

User: Oh you idiot! Tell me where is your office. I’ll come there and click on your computer.

IT (3)

I’ve decided to make my password “incorrect” because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, “Your password is incorrect.”

IT (4)

We know that ships are addressed as “she” and “her”. So gender computers should be addressed? Two groups of computer experts try to answer that question. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

IT (5)

A mom texts, “Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?”

He texts back, “I Don’t Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later.”

The mom texts him, “It’s ok, don’t worry about it. I’ll ask your sister, love you too.”

IT (6)

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper.

She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays, and handed me her iPad.

Again, I asked for my newspaper.

Again, she wanted me to use the iPad.

The fly did stand a chance.

IT (7)

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.”

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.”

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want.”

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog helps reduce the pressure from my work.”

IT (8)

I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody, so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it.

And it will say Nobody Likes This.

IT (9)

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. “If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?”

Among the forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless.

When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

 

Sport (1)

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, “I’d give anything to sink this next putt.”

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, “Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?” The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, “Okay,” and sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, “Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.” The same stranger moves to his side and says, “Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?” The golfer shrugs and says, “Sure.”

He makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, “Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?” The golfer says, “Certainly!” He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, “You know, I’ve really not been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s Father O’Malley.”

Sport (2)

The rules of indoor golf:

1)  Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play – normally one club and two balls.

2)  Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3)  Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4)  For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5)  Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6)  The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7)  It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.

8)  Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage player’s equipment for this reason.

9)  Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10)  Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11)  Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under maintenance. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12)  The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13)  Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14)  Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner’s request.

15)  It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Sport (3)

In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles.

One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?”

The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won.”

Kid (1)

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon Little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

“It’s a period,” reported Johnny.

“Well I can see that,” she said, “but what is so exciting about a period?”

“I don’t know” said Johnny, “but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”

Kid (2)

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel’s bigger?”

Johnny grins and says, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I’ve made $20!”

Kid (3)

A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and to make love to her three times a day”.

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

“And you, Susie? “ the teacher asks.

Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”

Kid (4)

The teacher said, “I’ll give 2 dollars to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.” The teacher said, “Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”

Then a French boy put his hand up and said, “It was Napoleon.” The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Pierre, that’s not right either.”

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.” The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Maurice, come up here and I’ll give you 2 dollars.”

As the teacher was giving Maurice his money, she said, “You know Maurice, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.”

Maurice replied, “Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.”

Kid (5)

Little Mary is at her first wedding.

When it’s over, she asks her mother, “Why did the lady change her mind?”

“What do you mean?” asks mother.

“Well,” replies Mary. “She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.”

Kid (6)

“If you had a dollar,” quizzed the teacher, “and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?”

“One dollar,” answered little Johnny.

“You don’t know your basic math.” said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.

Little Johnny shook his head, too, “You don’t know my daddy.”

Kid (7)

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, “Take only one. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Kid (8)

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny, I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.

“Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was, ‘Who was our first president?’, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington,’ and so did you.”

“So, everyone knows that he was the first president.”

“Well, just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’ Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.”

“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny.

“Wait, wait,” said Mr. Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?’ Mary put ‘I don’t know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither’.”

Engineering (1)

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.’”

The last said, “It must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

Engineering (2)

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (supposedly by Mr. Welch himself): “Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?”

Then others added these comments:

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car fault” warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
11. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
12. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither needed nor wanted them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become the target of investigation by the Justice Department.
13. Every time GM would introduce a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
14. You’d press the “Start” button to shut off the engine.

 

School (1)

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the first time.”

He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $100. Are there any questions?”

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: “How much for a season pass?”

School (2)

Mother: “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick: “It was really great, mum! Today we made explosives!”

Mother: “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick: “What school?”

School (3)

Mother is waking her son: “Paulie, come, wake up, you have to go to school.”

“Aw mom, just a bit more sleep, please.”

“No, it’s really high time, now get up.”

“But I don’t want to. The children annoy me and the teachers are a complete pain!”

“Stop it, now. Get up and off to school with you!”

“Mom, give me two good reasons why I should go to the stupid school.”

“Paulie, first of all, you’re 45, and second, you’re the headmaster.”

Soldier (1)

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.

I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

Soldier (2)

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay a maximum of $6000 only.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

Soldier (3)

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt? I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the 2 MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq…”

The nun said, “I understand completely.”

The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls… I don’t want to go to Iraq either.”

Soldier (4)

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.”

Soldier (5)

Admiral McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army.

McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKenzie asks: “So how are your men?”

“Very well trained, Admiral McKenzie.”

“I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they’re the bravest men all over the country.”

“Well, my men are very brave, and wise, too.”

“I’d like to see that.”

So Marshall calls a man standing nearby and says: “Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!”

“Are you crazy? It’d kill me, you idiot! I’m out of here!”

As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said: “You see? You have to be pretty brave and wise to talk like that to a general.”

Soldier (6)

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, “That’s not it,” and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, “That’s it!”

Soldier (7)

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a one-week pass.

The CO says “Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a one-week pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!”

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! And he got a one-week pass.

His friends were so impressed, they asked “How did you do it?”

“Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, “Do you want to get a one-week pass? So we exchanged tanks!”

Train (1)

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war-weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my little Fifi is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

Train (2)

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a young woman. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young woman proposes, “If each of you gives me one dollar, I will show you my legs.”

The men, charmed by this young college girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, “If each of you gentlemen gives me ten dollars, I’ll show you my thighs.”

And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, “If you will give me one hundred dollars, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.”

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance? That’s the hospital where I had it done!”

Train (3)

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed… just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he’ll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. “Look… lie here on the bed — you’ll be thrown right to the floor!” So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says, “are you doing here!?!”

The manager calmly replies, “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”

Bus (1)

A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The guy smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends.”

Bus (2)

Roger was sitting in a very full bus when a fat woman opposite said, “If you were a gentleman, young man, you’d stand up and let someone else sit down.”

“And if you were a lady,” replied Roger, “you’d stand up and let two people sit down.”

 

Church (1)

A man is angry because he has it in his head that someone stole his wallet. He walks into a church to steal someone else’s wallet, but he has a change of heart during the service. He confesses to the priest afterwards about what his intentions had initially been.

The priest asks, “What made you change your mind?”

The man says, “In your sermon on the Ten Commandments when you got to ‘Thou shall not commit adultery,’ I remembered where I left my wallet!”

Church (2)

Various church notices…

Don’t let worry kill you – let the church help.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed accompanied by the pastor.”

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High”.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Evening massage – 6 p.m.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. Smile at someone who is hard.

Church (3)

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There’s a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

“Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

The priest replies: “Get out. You’re on my side.”

Church (4)

The church is struck by lightning. The insurance company refuses to pay out for damages incurred, as there is a specific disclaimer clause for “An act of God”, which, amongst others, lightning is classified as such.

The priest wrote to every household and asked for a donation to rebuild the church.

One Christian farmer replied, “I’m sorry, pastor, but I can’t give money to Somebody who set His own house alight.”

Law (1)

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn while the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading my book,” she replies.

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“But, Officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?”

“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that I will charge you with rape,” snaps the irate woman.

“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the sheriff.

“Yes, that’s true… but you have all the equipment!”

Law (2)

A young man took his girlfriend for a ride in his brand-new car. On a deserted rural road, he suddenly felt an amorous urge, so he pulled over and persuaded his girlfriend to “do it” under the car. While they both were absorbed in love in a new, exciting atmosphere, a police patrol car passed by.

Seeing no-one in the car at the roadside, the patrolman stopped his car, got out, walked around and looked. The girl saw the pair of police boots, and reckoned to her boyfriend. He immediately crawled out, looked up at the patrolman and tried to smile, “Hi, nothing’s wrong here, officer.”

The patrolman asked: “What are you doing here?”

The young man said, confidently: “When a man is under his car, what else do you think he’s doing? I’m repairing my car!”

The patrolman looked at the young man carefully: “And why don’t you have your shirt on?”

The young man tried to explain: “I don’t want to soil my shirt.”

The patrolman looked at the young man, more carefully: “I think you are doing something else. When a man is under his car to repair it, he lies on his back. Here you lie on your belly. So, tell me what you are doing.”

Then, the girlfriend protruded her head from the car and said: “Hi. I’m the one who’s repairing the car. I lies on my back, do you see, officer? And I had to take off my shirt since I don’t want to soil it.”

 

Pet (1)

A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch.

“Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?” a jogger asks.

The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, “Nope.”

As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger’s legs.

As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, “I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!”

The old man mutters, “Ain’t my dog.”

Pet (2)

Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs. One suggests lunch. The other says, “They won’t let us in a restaurant with pets.”

Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant. The maître d’ stops them, saying, “Sir, you can’t bring your dog in here.”

“But I’m blind,” the man replies, “and this is my guide dog.”

The maître d’, apologizing profusely, shows both man and dog to a table.

His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine. “You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?” the skeptical maître d’ says.

“A Chihuahua?” the man says. “Is that what they gave me?”

Pet (2)

A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”

The guy stammers and says, “Um… no… what happened?”

The neighbor replies, “We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!”

 

Animal (1)

A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion.

The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It’s no good trying to outrun it. It’s catching up!”

The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I’m not trying to outrun the lion, I’m trying to outrun you!”

Animal (2)

The owner of a bar had a very intelligent horse. It could understand very well human’s language and behaved accordingly. But it never laughed. So the bar owner put a price of $500 for anyone who could make his horse laugh.

Many days passed by with many people try all means, with no luck. The horse just did not want to laugh at all jokes people told him.

Then one day, a stranger came, learnt about the price and wanted to try. He took the horse to a corner of the bar, murmured some words into the horse’s ear. And it worked: the horse laughed and laughed, with all tears in its eyes.

The bar owner was so pleased, and he put another price of $500 for any-one who could make his horse weep. The stranger wanted to try again. One more time, he took the horse to a corner of the bar. Again, it worked: the horse wept violently, with all tears in its eyes.

After paying the price money to the stranger, the bar owner could not suppress his curiosity, and asked him about the trick he made to the horse. The stranger asked for another $1000 to disclose his secrets, and the bar owner agreed to pay.

The stranger said, “It’s simple. The first time, I told your horse: ‘Mine is bigger than yours’.”

The bar owner said, “Clever! How about the second time?”

The stranger said, “It’s also simple. I let him see mine.”

Animal (3)

A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

“So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing, then you make another circle but closer, and another circle. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their intestines?”

 

Animal (4)

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. “Don’t worry, son. Your mother will come back. She’s only bringing people babies and making them happy.”

The next night, it’s father’s turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying “Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he’s bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.”

A few days later, the stork’s parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he’s been all night.

The baby stork says, “Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!”

Animal (5)

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

Animal (6)

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of one million dollars if you get it right… but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 — are you ready?”

Barbara: “Sure, I’ll have a go!”

Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it… A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush. Remember Barbara its worth 1 million dollars.”

“I think I know… but I’m not 100%… No, I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to phone a friend, just to be sure. I’ll phone my friend Maggie.”

(ringing, and Regis repeats the question)

Maggie: “Barbara, that’s simple… It’s the Cuckoo.”

Barbara: “I want to play, I’ll go with C-Cuckoo”

Regis: “Barbara, you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo… you’re right! – You have just won one million dollars!” (clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their champagne, Barbara asks “Tell me Maggie, How in God’s name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?”

Maggie: “Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.”

Animal (7)

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded.

“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
The monkey nodded.

“Well, did you see this?”
The monkey nodded.

“What happened?”
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
The monkey nodded.

“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

“They were smoking marijuana?”
The monkey nodded.

“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked.”
The monkey nodded.

“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving,” motioned the monkey.

 

Marriage (1)

A wife wakes up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. Checking around the house, she hears sounds from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she finds her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” she asks, worried about what could hurt him so much.

“Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant, and your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?”

“Yes, of course,” she replies.

“Well, I would have been released tonight.”

Marriage (2)

I played our wedding video backwards yesterday.

It really cheered me up to see how I take the ring off my wife’s finger, get out of the church and go drinking with my best friends.

Marriage (3)

Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

Marriage (5)

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”

Next day he received a hundred cell-phone messages. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

Marriage (6)

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Marriage (7)

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?”

One old man raised his hand.

“You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.”

The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”

Divorce (1)

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children.

The judge asked for his side of the story too.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: “Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?”

Divorce (2)

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He tried another way, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“No, both my son and daughter have stereo sets of hi-fidelity.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

Divorce (3)

Two men are discussing their lives.

One says, “I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clean clothes to wear.”

The other one says, “Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons.”

 

Old age (1)

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous, and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how he landed such a hot 23 year old beauty.

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age.”

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

“Well”, he replied. “I said I was 87.”

Old age (2)

An old man walking around in a park sobbing his eyes out. A pedestrian stopped and asked him what was wrong.

“I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”

“Well, then why are you crying?”

“She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.”

“Well, why are you crying?”

“For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours.”

“Well, why in the world would you be crying?”

“I can’t remember who I am and where I live!”

Old age (3)

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an 80-year old rancher, on his farm. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before, and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, “She’ll be 21 in November.”

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man. Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea, and said he would look for one that afternoon..

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom again…

“How’s the new wife?”, asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, “Good – she’s pregnant.”

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, “And how’s the hired hand?”

Without hesitating, Tom whispered, “She’s pregnant, too.”

Wife and husband (1)

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

“Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

“She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

“Her shoes were worn out, so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.

“She was cold, so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.

“Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.

“Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?

“And so, here we are!”

Wife and husband (2)

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television.

The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!”

“Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

Wife and husband (3)

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget.

They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said.

The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.”

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him, and again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.”

Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband and again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.”

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.

The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, “Where’s the toast?”

Wife and husband (4)

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”

The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”

Wife and husband (5)

“Honey, what will you give me for our 10th anniversary?”

“A trip to the Maldives?”

“Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary?

“Then I’ll go to pick you up.”

Wife and husband (6)

An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, “Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!”

“Is this her first child?” asks the operator.

“No you dumbass! It’s her husband!”

Wife and husband (7)

Police officer: “Sir, I don’t understand. You lost the credit card a year ago, why are you reporting it now?”

Guy: “The thief wasn’t spending nearly as much as my wife used to…”

Police officer: “But why report it now?”

Guy: “I think the thief’s wife got hold of it now.”

Wife and husband (8)

Wife: “I made cookies for you. It is an apology because I crashed your car.”

Husband: “YOU DID WHAT?”

Wife: “Cookies. I made cookies for you.”

Wife and husband (9)

A little boy says, “Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

“Son,” says the dad. “That happens everywhere.”

Wife and husband (10)

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

“Why?”

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

Wife and husband (11)

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”

He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”

Wife and husband (12)

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

In the bar (1)

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”

By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200!”

In the bar (2)

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”
“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me, too. I am also celebrating,” said the woman.
“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”
“What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”
“The old rooster was too weak. I used a different rooster,” he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”

In the bar (3)

Two men in a bar.

“I’ve been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it’s starting to get serious…”

“Why? She wanted to move in with you?”

“That’s not a problem. She’s asked me to move out with her.”

In the bar (4)

A drunk guy stumbles into a bar and says, “Those to my left you are all jerks. Those to my right, you are all idiots.”

A tall, muscular guy slowly stands up, puts on his cowboy hat and quietly says to the guy, “Well, I don’t think I’m an idiot at all.”

“Alright,” agrees the guy, “you can go on the left.”

In the bar (5)

A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life.

First, I overslept, and I went late to an important meeting.

My boss, outrageous, fired me.

When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing.

I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet and credit cards in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener.

I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

In the bar (6)

A woman of a woman rights campaign walks totally naked into a bar and asks for a shot of whiskey. Everybody looks perplexed at her, jaws being dropped and all that.

The bartender gives her the shot, and looks at her as if he was inspecting.

The woman asks for another shot, so the bartender gives her another one, but keeps looking at her.

After a while, the woman stands up, beginning her lecture:

“Why do you look at me? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman in your life? Men can take off their shirts in a bar and women can do the same, and more. So, but what’s your problem?”

The bartender says, “May be a problem. I’m just trying to figure out how you’re gonna pay for those shots.”

In the bar (7)

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No”, he replies, “I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
The cowboy explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”

The woman giggles and replies “Well it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!”
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”

 

Airplane (1)

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said: “Let’s talk, I am sure that flights are faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and asked the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know”, said the stranger.

“How about nuclear power?” The girl asked.

“Ok,” he said “That could be an interesting topic!”

The girl continues: “But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

“The stranger thinks about it and says: “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies: “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

Airplane (2)

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’. “His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.”

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the policeman said, watch this. He told Sniffer to ‘search’. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm.

The policeman said, “Good boy”, and he turned to the man and said, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”

“Gee, that’s pretty good,” replied the first man.

Once again, the policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Labrador sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm.

The policeman said, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m taking a note of his seat number for the police.”

“I like it!” said his seatmate.

The policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search’ again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the policeman, “What’s going on?”

The policeman nervously replied, “He’s just found a bomb.”

Female and male (1)

A guy looked simple enough but several girls were all around him and followed him wherever he went along the beach.

A man looked at the man with bitter jealousy and asked his friend: “Look at that guy! He is just like us. What makes that guy attractive to girls? What’s his secret?”

His friend said, “I’ll tell you his secret and you can do the same. Put a potato into you swimming trunks.”

The man applied this method, then he walked up and down the beach. But no girl followed him, while many people laughed and laughed when they saw him.

So bewildered, the man came back to his friend and ask: “I followed your advice, but how come they laughed at me and no girl followed me?”

His friend looked down at the man’s swimming trunks, and also laughed, “My gosh! You put the potato at the back! You are supposed to put it at the front!”

Female and male (2)

There is a story about an American man who was having no luck at all with women. He asked an Italian friend for his advice.

The Italian said, “It’s simplicity itself; you Americans make things so complicated.”

“Well, then how do you do it?” asked the American.

The Italian said, “I just pick out a pretty girl in a crowd, march over and say: ‘I think you are beautiful, how going to a hotel with me?’”

“That’s stupid!” said the American, “You must get your face slapped a lot.”

“Yes, I do,” admitted the Italian.

“Then why do you do it?” asked the American.

His friend shrugged, “Well, I’ve found that about one in every 30 women says, ‘Sure, let’s go,’ and that makes it all worthwhile. Try it!”

Female and male (3)

Why is it that, when a man talks dirty to a woman it’s called sexual harassment, and when a woman talks dirty to a man it costs him $5.95 per minute!

Female and male (6)

An English professor wrote the following words on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly:

“Woman without her man is nothing”

The men wrote:

“Woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The women wrote:

“Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

Female and male (7)

A group of girlfriends go on vacation and see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads “for women only.” Since they are without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.

The doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you’re looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what’s on that floor. The only rule is, once you leave a floor, you can’t return to it.”

The women talk it over and decide to go for it.

They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, “All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are kind and sensitive.”

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads “All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly.”

This wasn’t going to do, so again they head for the stairs.

The friends move up to the third floor where the sign reads “All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women.”

This was good but there are still two more floors.

So on to the fourth floor, and this sign seems perfect. “All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight.”

The women are really pleased, but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle.

When they reach the fifth floor, there is a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is simply no way to please a woman.”

Female and male (8)

A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, “Looking for a guy that won’t beat me, won’t run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.”

Three days later, there’s a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there’s a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. “Dear Amy,” he says, “I have no arms so I couldn’t even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can’t run away on you. I’m your guy.”

“That’s very nice,” says Amy, surprised, “but how will you be able to satisfy me?”

His smile widens, “You did hear the knocking, didn’t you?”

Female and male (10)

A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick.

An ugly woman is passing and remarks “If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady…”

He replies “If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!”

Female and male (11)

We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married. My parents helped as much as they could and all my friends said it’s a really good idea! My girlfriend? She is a dream!

But there is something that bothers me! This something is her little sister… This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law, wearing a super skinny, mini-skirts and short, décolleté blouses. Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear. She never did that in front of someone else!

One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations. When I arrived she was alone. She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she can’t overcome them. She also said that she desperately wanted to have sex with me just once before I marry her sister. I was shocked and could not say a word… She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her. I froze and looked at her going up the stairs. Going up, she took her panties off and threw it at me.

I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door. I opened it and I walked to the car. My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: “I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!”

I murmured “Luckily I forgot the condoms in my car.”

Luckily nobody heard it.

Family (1)

A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed nicely made, and everything picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad.” With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands…

“Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don’t worry, Dad. I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home.”

Family (2)

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

Family (3)

“Daddy,” a little boy asked his father. “How much does it cost to get married?”

“I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it.”

Family (4)

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!

Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.

Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

“Oh welcome home darling,” he says, “my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello.”

Family (5)

Daughter: “Mom, can I get a cat or a dog at Christmas, please?”

Mom: “No honey, you will be getting turkey, like every Christmas!”

Family (6)

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, Do you hear me?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.”

Family (7)

The young wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”

Her husband ran to her with a broad smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way, since tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us.”

Christmas (1)

Daughter: “Mom, can I get a cat or a dog at Christmas, please?”

Mom: “No honey, you will be getting turkey, like every Christmas!”

Christmas (2)

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honor of this holy season” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It’s a candle”, he said.

“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”

Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The Irishman replied, “These are Carol’s.”

Finance (1)

A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he’s at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days.

The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby.

The frightened investor was amazed! “Really? Even with all the fluctuations?”

“Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours, and when I wake up, I cry for a couple of hours.”

Finance (2)

Foreign aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

Finance (3)

The taxman says: “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.”

Health (1)

A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads “Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238” and decides to make the call. The operator asks, “How much weight do you want to lose?”

“Five pounds,” he replies.

“We’ll have a representative over in the morning,” says the operator.

About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, scantily-clad with a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me”.

The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. And he has her. After that, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 5 pounds!

That night he calls the number again and says, “I want to lose 10 pounds.”

“We’ll send someone over.”

The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me”. The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 10 pounds!

That night he calls and says, “I want to lose 20 pounds!”

“Twenty pounds?” the operator asks. “That’s an awful lot.”

The man replies, “Listen, just take care of it!”

About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I Catch You, I Can Have You”.

Health (2)

“What can I do for you?” the doctor asked the 67-year old couple.

“Watch us have sexual intercourse.”

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, “There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and he charged them $32.00 for the office visit.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The old man replied, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She is married so we can’t go to her house. I am married so we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00. The Hilton charges $98.00, we do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor’s office!”

Health (3)

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied: “Just doing exactly what you said, Doc.”

The doctor was perplexed, “What did I say?”

“You said, ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful’.”

The doctor said: “Oh no! I didn’t say that. I said, You’ve got a heart murmur – be careful.”

Health (4)

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

“That won’t help you, Joe, you know!”

“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

Health (5)

An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a surgeon.

Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: “Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother-in-law is going to come and take care of you and your wife.”

Health (6)

A woman is at a doctor after her husband’s check-up.

The doctor looks serious and says, “Mrs Connelly, your husband is very ill. He needs to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”

“Ok,” nods Mrs Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”

“Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs Connelly, they’re for you.”

Health (7)

A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”

The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”

The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”

The psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a street-view room or a garden-view one?”

Health (8)

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

One week later the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as in the previous week.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. “Well, doc, it’s like this – first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

The doctor smiled, “No problem, I’ll give you another jar.”

The old man cried, “But now I have no more semen!”

Health (9)

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, “I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.”

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. “Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the women’s club and have a martini.”

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, “Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?”

“Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.”

Health (10)

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and still no improvement.

“Listen,” says the doc, “I have migraines, too, and the advice I’m going to give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school, but it’s advice that I’ve gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I get out of the tub, without uttering a word I take my wife into the bedroom, then no matter what she says I do it like crazy. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try.”

“I’ll try it, doctor. Now, what is your house address?”

Health (11)

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.

“I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an 18 year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”

The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No, what?”

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him.”

“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot the bear.”

“That’s kind of what I’m getting at,” replied the doctor.

Health (12)

A man wakes up and finds himself in a hospital room, one with only himself in it. He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering it, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.

A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: “I have really bad news. You’re very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I’m afraid you have Avian flu, Ebola, and you’re positive for HIV and hepatitis.”

Stunned, the man asks “Well, what’s next!? What are you going to do?”

The doc replies: “Well, for starters, we’re putting you on a strict diet of only pizza.”

The patient asks: “Will that really help me, doctor?”

“No”, the doc responds. “But it’s all we can fit under the door.”

Selling and buying (1)

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she’d die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the customers to hear, “Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize.”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “Thumbtacks.” In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, “Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?”

Selling and buying (2)

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

“I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

“These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

“I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

“When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

“Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.

“P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

Selling and buying (3)

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with a woman. “Is this your wife?”

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Selling and buying (4)

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: “What’s that?”
Lady 2: “A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”

Lady 1: “Where did you get it?”
Lady 2: “You can get them at any drugstore.”

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

“Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.”

Selling and buying (4)

An oil sheik says in a gallery: “I really admire Picasso. There is nobody who was able to sell oil so expensive.”

Selling and buying (5)

The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they’re smart.

Selling and buying (6)

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.

“I’m blessing it,” the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw.

“And what on Earth do you intend to do with that?” the priest asked.

“I’ve decided that I want to bless the car too,” the rabbi replied.

He promptly walked over to the back of the car and sawed two inches off the tailpipe.

While the priest was scratching his head, the rabbi said, “Circumcision.”

Drunk (1)

A man has been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. He decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!”

“Why do you say that?” he asks innocently.

“The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.”

Drunk (2)

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, “May I help you, my son?”

“I dunno,” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper on your side?”

Drunk (3)

A highway patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded. “This equipment must be broken!” he exclaimed.

“I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight I am the designated decoy!”

Drunk (4)

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.

One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior. The friend suggested, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways.” The wife thought this might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of beating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a short while, she whispered to Harry, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”

Harry replied in his inebriated state, “Heck, I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”

Drunk (5)

A man comes home late one night, drunk.

“Where have you been?” asks his wife.
“In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!”

This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.

“Do you have golden chairs?”
“Yes.”

“Do you have golden glasses?”
“Yes.”

“Do you have golden beer?”
“Yes.”

“Do you have a golden urinal?”
“Hold on.”

On the other end, she hears “I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone.”

Religious (1)

Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do, Father.”

The priest said, “Then leave this pub right now!” and approached a second man. “Do you want to go to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.

“Then leave this den of Satan,” said the priest, as he walked up to O’Toole.

“Do you want to go to heaven?”

“No, I don’t, Father,” O’Toole replied.

The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, “You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole smiled, “Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

Religious (2)

A Bible group study leader says to his group, “What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks left before the great Judgment Day?”

A gentleman says, “I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.”

“Very good!” says the group leader.

One lady speaks up and says enthusiastically, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.”

“That’s wonderful!” the group leader comments.

One gentleman in the back finally speaks up loudly and says, “I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the four weeks.”

The group leader asks, “Why your mother-in-law’s home?”

“Because that will make it the longest four weeks of my life!”

Religious (2)

A couple want to have children but the wife can’t get pregnant, so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he’s leaving tomorrow.

“As soon as I’ll get there, I’ll immediately light a candle for you,” he promises.

Time passes and the priest returns to the little town after 10 years. The first thing he does is visit the couple’s home. He can hear a crazy loud noise when he knocks on the door. The wife opens the door; three little children on her arms, a couple of them hiding under her skirt, and others behind her playing around. The priest counts as many as ten of them!

“Well, this is quite a pleasant surprise,” exclaims the priest. “It seems like God listened to my prayer. But where is your dear husband?”

“My husband traveled to Rome,” says the wife with a tired look on her face.

“To Rome? Why on earth would he go to Rome?”

“To blow out that bloody candle you lit!”

Religious (3)

A man wonders if having relations on the Sabbath is a sin. Because he is not sure if doing so is work or play, so he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, “My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sleeping together is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.”

The man thinks: “What does a priest know about having relations?”

So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. relations is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a rabbi, a man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge.

The rabbi ponders the question, then states, “My son, it is definitely play.”

The man replies, “Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me it’s work?”

The rabbi speaks softly: “My son, if having relations was work, my wife would have the maid do it.”

Religious (4)

A priest dies and goes up to the gates of heaven. Before he’s let in, St Peter consults with God for a long time to determine if he deserves a place in heaven.

As the priest waits, a Thai tuk-tuk driver approaches the gates of heaven. Without a second thought, St Peter lets the tuk-tuk driver through.

The priest points at the tuk-tuk driver and yells, “Hey! How come he gets in so quickly?! He’s a simple tuk-tuk driver, while I’m a priest!”

St Peter explains, “Dear priest, when you gave sermons during services, your whole congregation fell asleep. When this tuk-tuk driver drove in Bangkok, all his passengers sat on the edge of their seats praying to God!”

God (1)

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!

The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.

Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.

“That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs, “I didn’t recognize you.”

God (2)

On the sixth day, God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: “Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains, full of mountain goats and eagles, beautifully sparkly lakes, bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, rivers stocked with salmon.”

God continued… “I shall make the land rich in oil, so as to make the inhabitants prosper; I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.”

“But Lord,” asked Gabriel, “don’t you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?”

“Not really,” replied God, “just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them.”

God (2)

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic woman chirps, “My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, the people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

This third Catholic crone says, “My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say ‘Your Eminence’.”

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle “Well…?”

And she said “My son is a gorgeous, 6′ 2” hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, “Oh, my God…”

 

 

Sex (1)

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.

“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”
“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied. “It’s not polite.”

“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”
“Now really,” the mother says, “those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”
“That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!”

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl says to her friend.
“Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.”

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”
The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.”
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. “How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”
“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

Sex (2)

A nine-year old boy asks his father: “Dad, what is sex?”

The father puts down the book he is reading and says: “Alright, boy, it’s still early in your age, but as you ask, I should explain.”

Then the father tries to explain everything about sex, choosing proper terminology that is not “transparent” but not very evasive either.

He talks and talks for a long time, then he stops and asks: “Now you know everything about sex, right?”

The boy says: “Yes, but Dad, how can I put everything you say in this square of the questionnaire that the school asks me to fill in???”

Traffic (1)

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down an expressway, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!”, and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.

Traffic (2)

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he’s drunk.

Traffic (3)

An older woman gets pulled over for speeding… A sergeant gets out of his staff car and walks to her.

Sergeant: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older woman: Oh, I see.

Sergeant: Can I see your license please?
Older woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Sergeant: Don’t have one?
Older woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Sergeant: I see… Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older woman: I can’t do that.

Sergeant: Why not?
Older woman: I stole this car.

Sergeant: Stole it?
Older woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Sergeant: You what?
Older woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A police captain slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Captain: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older woman: Murdered the owner?

Captain: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Captain: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The Sergeant is quite stunned.

Captain: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The Sergeant examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Captain: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Traffic (4)

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, and was pulled over on the way home by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn’t walk a straight line any more than he could drive one. Just as the trooper was about to slap on the cuffs, an accident in the opposite lane took his attention, and he ran in that direction to help.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn’t coming back to him, quickly drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door.

Standing in his doorway were two state troopers. “Are you Mr. Johnson?” they asked.
He admitted that he was.

“Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?”
Again, the man admitted that was he.

“And what did you do then,” the troopers asked.
The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

“Where is your car now?” the troopers inquired.
The man answered that it was in the garage.

“May we see the car?” asked the troopers.
The man answered, “Sure,” and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state trooper’s car.

Traffic (5)

This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man’s driver’s license, he said, “You’re wearing glasses on your ID and you’re not now. I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”

The guy said, “Officer, I have contacts.”

The cop said, “Look, buddy, I don’t care who you know, I’m still giving you a ticket.”

Traffic (6)

When my father ran out of gas, he called my mother to pick him up in her car. They went to a gas station, filled a gas can, and returned to his car.

After a few minutes, he got into her car again. “We need to go back to the gas station,” he said.

“One gallon wasn’t enough?” she asked.

“It would have been if I’d put it in the right car.”

Traffic (8)

A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic.

The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow.

“Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25 and everything!” the driver defends himself.

The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.”

“Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked.

The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff.

“What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver.

“Um…” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off Highway 150…”

Traffic (9)

A police officer stops a car and says: “Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge – you win $10,000! What will you do with that money?”

The driver gets very emotional and says, “First of all, I’ll finally make my driver’s license!”

The wife cuts in, “Don’t listen to him, officer, he’s still drunk!”

A hard-of-hearing granny from the back seat grumbles, “I knew we shouldn’t have taken the stolen car!”

A voice from the trunk adds, “Hey, are we past the border now?”

Traffic (10)

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain–”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say–”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

Production (1)

[Thai TV program broadcast live this story from the National Theater in Bangkok]

A condom manufacturing plant has an excellent condom quality checking system.

The Plant Manager asks one male worker and one female worker to volunteer to test too different condom lots.

The male worker takes one condom from one lot, spreads some pepper powder on the outside of the condom, then puts one condom from the second lot outside the other condom. So there is pepper between the two layers of condom.

Then two workers can start testing the condom while the Plant Manager sits in another room, listening through an open door but not watching.

If the Plant Manager hears the female worker cry “Ai!”, then he knows the inside condom has bad quality.

If the Plant Manager hears the male worker cry “Ai!”, then he knows the outside condom has bad quality.

If he hears both workers cry “Ai! Ai!”, then he knows both condoms have bad quality.

If the Plant Manager hears both workers panting happily for a long time without any cry, then he knows both condoms are quite durable.

So, the Plant Manager can determine the quality of each condom lot!

The system does not cost anything for testing equipment, and it is enjoyed by all involved!

Cross-cultural (1)

A worldwide survey was conducted by the U.N. The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?” The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.

In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.

In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.

In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.

And in the U.S. they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

Cross-cultural (2)

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we will live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a street vendor with the sign “HOT DOG”, and they both walk toward the cart. “Two dogs, please,” she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench. One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”

Cross-cultural (2)

In a pub full of tourists, some boast about technical advances in their countries.

A Russian says: “After digging to a depth of 100m, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network 1000 years ago.”

One American says: “American scientists dug 200m, and they have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians.”

One Vietnamese says: “Vietnamese scientists dug 500m, and they found nothing”.

The Russian and the American laugh: “They found nothing and you think it’s a technical advance?”

The Vietnamese: “Oh yeah. They concluded that in 4000 years of the Vietnamese history, they always use wireless”.

Lawyer (1)

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he’s smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia.

The sheriff asks for license and registration.

The lawyer asks, “What for?”

The sheriff responds, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

The lawyer says, “I slowed down and no one was coming.”

“You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration please,” say the sheriff impatiently.

The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

The sheriff says, “That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle.”

The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.

The sheriff says, “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

Lawyer (2)

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

Lawyer (3)

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um, no–”

The lawyer interrupts, “Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

“Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea–”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

Lawyer (4)

A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”

Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”

Man: “Wow – so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”

Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”

Lawyer (5)

A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement of many millions.

At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him: “Don’t worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.”

And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn’t have a penny anymore.

 

Heaven & Hell (1)

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’“ and he left.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple. “Oh, come on!,” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

Heaven & Hell (2)

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer, you built dams and diverted rivers, you changed the nature created by God. You’re in the wrong place.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

Heaven & Hell (3)

A lawyer and the pope died at the same time, both went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms.

The pope’s room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light.

They came to the Lawyer’s room. It was huge with wall-to-wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar.

The Lawyer said, “There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope’s room!”

St Peter said, “There’s no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of popes, but you’re our very first Lawyer!”

Heaven & Hell (4)

A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St Peter greeted her and said, “These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter.”

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do.

“Spell any four-letter word,” St. Peter replied.

The woman promptly replied, “Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E.”

St. Peter said, “Good, you do not have a dirty mind.” Then he welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in St Peter’s chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.

“What happened?” she cried, “Why are you here?”

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, “I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to heaven?”

“Not yet,” she replied, “You must spell a word first.”

“What word?” he asked.

The woman responded, “Czechoslovakia.”

Heaven & Hell (5)

Three men find themselves at the pearly gates.

St. Peter greets them and says, “You have made it to heaven, now all you have to do is pass the test to see what your fate will be.”

“What is the test?” One man replied.

Peter says, “You must walk through the room of ducks. If you are able to make it to the other side without stepping on a duck, you will be paired with most beautiful woman in the world for all eternity.”

The men start rejoicing, but Peter stops them and warns,

“But If you step on a duck you will be paired with the ugliest woman in the world for all eternity.”

The first man enters the room with confidence. He makes it only about half way and steps on a duck.

Peter says, “You have failed. You will be paired with the ugliest woman in the world for all eternity.”

The second man says, “I can do this! Step aside.”

The man makes it almost all the way through, but unfortunately steps on a duck just short of victory.

Peter says to the man, “You have failed. You will be paired with the second ugliest woman in the world for all eternity.”

The last man is hesitant to enter the room, but he eventually makes it all the way through without stepping on a single duck.

Peter exclaims, “You have made it! You will be paired with the most beautiful woman in the world for all eternity!”

The man is suddenly transported beside the woman.

He turns to the woman and asks, “How did you get here?”

She replies, “I don’t know, but I stepped on a duck.”

 

Animal husbandry (1)

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car. He stepped on the gas, but at 50 miles per hour, the chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.

The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.

The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.

“That’s the most fantastic thing I’ve ever heard,” said the salesman. “How do they taste?”

“I don’t know,” said the farmer. “We’ve never caught one.”

Animal husbandry (2)

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church.

The pastor said, “Well, I guess we won’t have a service today.”

The farmer replied: “Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it.”

 

Work (1)

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

One nun suggests to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, “Who is it?”

“Blind man!”

The nuns look at each other and one nun says, “He’s blind, so he can’t see. What could it hurt?” They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”

Work (2)

On the day of my big job interview I woke up late. Frantically I threw on a suit.

“Oh no!” I thought. “My tie! My Dad was out of town and wasn’t there to help me, and for the life of me, I did not know how to tie a tie!” I grabbed a tie and ran out the door.

“Excuse me sir,” I said to the crossing guard, “I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?”

“Sure,” said the guard, “just lie down on this bench.” Well, if someone was going to help me I wasn’t going to ask any questions.

After he finished and the tie looked good, I just had to ask why I had to lie down.

“Well, in my previous job I learned how to tie ties on other people when they were lying down.” he replied.

“What was your previous job?” I asked incredulously.

“I ran a morgue,” was the reply.

Neighbor (1)

With a party going full bore in the apartment above his, my friend could forget about getting any sleep. The next day, he spotted the offending party giver.

“Didn’t you hear me pounding on the ceiling?” he asked.

The woman smiled pleasantly. “That’s okay. We were making a lot of noise ourselves.”

Neighbor (2)

A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building: “Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?

“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor.

Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”

Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.”

Fishing (1)

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, “Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?”

“Why do you want me to throw them at you?”

“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”

“Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange trout.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange trout. That’s what she’d like for supper tonight.”

Fishing (2)

The reporter asks the winners of a Fishing Contest what their secret is.

3rd place winner: I am a surgeon. Once I tried to catch with human appendix, fish liked it, I caught a lot of pike, carp and chub with it.

2nd place winner: I also work in a hospital and specialize in adenoid glands removal. I also tried once to fish with glands with great success. The results far exceeded the expectations. Perch, crucian carp, sunfish loved the glands.

Question to the winner: You must also be a doctor?

The contest winner: Oh, you’re going to be laughing… I am a rabbi in the local synagogue, I do circumcisions every day.

Fishing (3)

Mike and John went fishing. Mike caught a beautiful mermaid.

He looked at her with delight, examined her and threw her back into the water.

John: “But why?”

Mike (sadly): “But how?”

Fishing (4)

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn’t go this time because his wife wouldn’t let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve’s buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

“How did you talk your missus into letting you go, Steve?”

“I didn’t have to,” Steve replied. “Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn’t go fishing. Then the ol’ lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise’. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, ‘Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,’ So, Here I am!”

Fairy tale (1)

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

“Well, OK, but what about that hook? “What happened to your hand?”

“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”

“What about that eye patch?”

“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye just from some bird shit.”

“It was my first day with the hook.”

Fairy tale (2)

A guy saves a frog from a forest fire. The frog turns out to be a magical frog, and is very grateful to the man for having saved its life. So the frog offers to grant him three wishes.

The man says, “Great. So I want: 1) Lifelong access to any cinema, 2) I want to be 10 years younger, and 3) I want a highway that goes straight from here to Hawaii.

“I’m happy to help you but the third wish is really difficult. You’ll have to wish for something else instead of that third wish,” says the frog.

“OK,” agrees the man reluctantly, “in that case I’d like to finally understand women.”

The frog looks at him for a while: “And should the highway be a two-lane or a four-lane one?”

Fairy tale (3)

Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.

One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”

The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five-star hotel voucher for two.

The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”

“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.

“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation.

Poof once more – and he’s 90.

Reasoning

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you jerk. Someone has stolen our tent.”

Trick (1)

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: “Get your treatment for $500 – if not cured get back $1,000.”

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. He went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic and this is what happened.

Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Aaagh! This is gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor Young: “Oh no you don’t, that’s gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see!”
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that. So, here’s your $1000 back.”

Dr. Young: “But this is only $500…”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Trick (2)

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”

“Sand,” answered Juan.

The guard says, “We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”

“Sand,” says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.

Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

“Hey, buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”

Trick (3)

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”

The Project Manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”

The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

The young Programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project Manager all at the same time!”

Trick (4)

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

“Of course, my son,” said the priest.

“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”

“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.

“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man.

“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.

“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”

“Of course, my son,” said the priest.

The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”

Trick (5)

Two croupiers are sitting bored at the roulette of the casino. Suddenly a very attractive blonde woman enters and bets $20,000 on a roll, saying: “I hope you do not mind, but I feel very lucky when I play naked.”

With that, she unbuttons the zipper, takes her dress and underwear off, throw the dice and yells: “Come on baby, mama needs new clothes!”

She looks with agony and as soon as the dice stops, starts jumping up and down screaming: “Yes, yes, yes, I won!”

She embraces one to one of the dealers, taking her profits and clothes and disappears. The guys are looking dumbfounded at each other.

Eventually, one asks: “Did you see what dice she rolled?”

“I do not know, I thought you were watching!”

Trick (6)

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He said: “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”

The audience was in silence and shock.

The speaker added: “And that woman was my mother!”

Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home during a small party. He was a bit foggy after having a drink or two.

He said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!”

The wife went red with shock and rage. She shouted: “Who was that?”

The drunk manager was so frightened that he forgot the second half of the joke, and he blurted out, “I can’t remember!”

Birthday (1)

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.

I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday…

Birthday (2)

On his birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him.

As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, “Good morning, boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!”

He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered.

In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.”

Peter happily agreed. They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?”

Peter replied “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?”

She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”

“Ok.” He nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake… Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And Peter just sat there… On the couch… Naked!

Fire (1)

A guy calls the fire department and yells excitedly: “You have to come, now, there’s a fire!”

“OK sir, but please tell us how do we get to you.”

The man asks, puzzled: “What, you don’t have them big red trucks anymore?”

Fire (2)

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready… Aim…”

Suddenly the brunette yells, “Earthquake!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “ Ready… Aim…”

The redhead then screams, “Tornado!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready… Aim…”

The blonde shouts, “Fire!”

Distress (1)

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked “Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?”

The man replied “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie? Here’s one that goes nicely with your robes.”

The Arab shouted, “I don’t want a tie, you idiot, I need water!”

“OK, don’t buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I’ll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they’ll give you all the water you want.”

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.

Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said “I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn’t you find it?”

The Arab rasped “I found it alright. They wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”

Distress (2)

An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit.

When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?”

“Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”

Distress (3)

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.

He explains the problem: “Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can’t plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father.”

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: “Beloved Father, please don’t touch the garden. It’s there that I have hidden ‘the THING’. I love you, too, Ahmed”

At 4pm the US Army, the Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can’t find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. “Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That’s all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed.”

Distress (4)

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request.

The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him.

The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.

Now it is the third man’s turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, “To hell with your canoes!”

Distress (5)

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The man groaned but didn’t budge.

The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”

“Sam,” the man moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?”

With pain in his voice Sam replied “… the balcony.”

LGBT (1)

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants it, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!”

 

Noah (1)

During the 3rd day in Noah’s ark, the animals can’t hold back any longer and start mating. The ark starts rocking dangerously and Noah decides to take special emergency measures. Each male animal is issued a card on which its counterpart’s name is inscribed and the date during which they are permitted to mate.

The following day, the monkey approaches his wife and says:
– Be prepared for on the following Tuesday; you will suffer wildly!

The female monkey blushes and is very much embarrassed by her mate’s comments, addressed to her in the presence of all the other animals.

The following day, the monkey reappears and in front of all the other animals addresses his wife:
– A word of caution, be prepared, because on the following Tuesday you will endure a painful treatment!

This goes on for another two days when finally, the female monkey approaches Noah and files her complaint regarding the male monkey’s embarrassing behavior.

Noah summons the male monkey demanding an explanation.
– You complete fool, why must you embarrass your wife in the presence of all the other animals?

– I’m just trying to warn her. She will suffer on Tuesday because I lost my card at a poker game and now the elephant has it.

Noah (2)

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A: Noah – he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q: Why didn’t Noah do much fishing on the ark?
A: He had only two worms.

Noah (3)

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard — but no Ark.

“Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed.

“I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

“Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!

“When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property.

“Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-proof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment.

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.

“Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits..

“The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”.

“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”

LGBT (1)

After years of loneliness, I finally worked out a great dating strategy.

I’ll pretend to be gay. I’m going to make tons of chick friends, really get them to trust me, tell me everything.. and when they haven’t got an ounce of suspicion left – BOOOM!

I’ll get their boyfriends!

LGBT (2)

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“How’d you sleep?” Asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

Puzzle

Q: Can February march?
A: No, but April may.

Q: How many seconds are there in one year?
A: Twelve of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, and so on.

Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?
A: It’s always 90 degrees (90 degrees F, 32 degrees Celsius).

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: Where do fish keep their money?
A: In a riverbank.

Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
A: It’s a French kiss down under.

Q: Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
Because it was two tired!

Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: He neverlands.

Q: What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
A: Snowballs.

Q: What goes up and down but never moves?
A: The stairs.

Q: Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?
A: There was no chemistry.

Q: What’s the proper plural of beer?
A: Sixpack.

Q: What wouldn’t you find in a haunted house?
A: A living room.

Q: What should we call an American bee?
A: A USB.

Q: What do you call it when there are two people on top of each other in bed?”
A: A bunk bed.

Q: What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist?
A: “Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?”

Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: Because they cannot stand fast food.

Q: What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.

Q: Why was the bee’s hair sticky?
A: Because he used a honey-comb.

Q: Why did the dog sit in the shade?
Because he didn’t want to be a hot dog.

Q: How does a train eat?
A: It goes chew chew.

Q: What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert?
A: No thanks, I’m stuffed.

Q: Wives want to videotape the birth of their child. How about husbands?
A: Husbands want to videotape the conception.

Q: Make love, not war. But if you want to do both?
A: Get married.

Q: Is it true that married men live longer than single men?
A: No. It only seems longer.

Q: Why are hurricanes often named after women?
A: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Q: What is the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.

Q: How kids are related to backseat?
A: Kids in the backseat make accidents and accidents in the back seat make kids.

Note – It remains a puzzle why a bra is singular and panties are plural.

Crime (1)

A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”

“Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot.

“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks a bank clerk.

“Absolutely not, sir, but my manager here saw everything!”

Crime (2)

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the desk sergeant.

“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

Mistaken (1)

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Man! I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!”

“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”

Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”

The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”

Mistaken (2)

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?”

To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

Mistaken (3)

A young boy, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire himself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for him to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The boy said “How about 50 dollars?”

The man agreed and told him that the paint and other materials that he might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does he realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “He should, he was standing on it.”

Then both husband and wife had lunch in the kitchen.

A short time later, the boy came in the kitchen to collect his money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the boy answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the boy added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Mistaken (4)

A photographer from a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. He rent a plane to take photos from the air. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.

He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!”

The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.

The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.”

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally, he stammered, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

Mistaken (5)

An elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond down by his fruit orchard. One evening he decided to go down to the pond and took a five gallon bucket to pick some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he saw a bunch of young naked women in the pond. He stopped, frozen, speechless.

Suddenly one of the women saw him, and shouted, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man thought for a second and said, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up, he explained, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Retort (1)

A boy is sitting on a bus and eating one piece of chocolate after the other. A man sits down next to him and says: “Eating so much chocolate is not healthy for you boy.”

The boy replies: “My grandfather died when he was 112 years old.”

The man asks: “You think he became so old because he was eating lots of chocolate?”

The boy answers: “He became so old because he minded his own business.”

Retort (2)

An ugly, fat, bald woman with two kids enters a shop, shouting angry at the kids with no reason.

The shop owner says cheerfully to her: “Good morning! Cute kids! Are they twins?”

The horrible woman stopped shouting, just enough to say, “Hell, they’ re not twins… The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?”

“No ma’am… I’m neither blind nor stupid… I just can’t get that there’s a man out there who slept with you twice.”

Service

I was on a flight the other day when the flight attendant came up to me and said, “Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?”

I said, “What are the options?”

She said, “Yes and No.”

Honeymoon (1)

Fred and Mary got married, but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s parent’s home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, “No”.

Johnny asks, “I think they–”
His mom interrupts, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”

She replies, “No.”

Johnny says, “ I think they–”
His mom interrupts, “Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.”

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
His mom says “No.”

He asks, “Mom, let me tell you what I think.”
His Mom replies, “Ok, now do tell me what you think.”

He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”

Honeymoon (2)

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, “Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, ‘Here, try these on.’ She did and said, ‘These are too big, I can’t wear them.’ I replied, ‘Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’ Ever since that night we never had any problems.”

Mike thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, “Here, try these on.”

She tried them on and said, “These are too large. They don’t fit me.”

Mike said, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that.”

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, “Here, you try on mine.”

He did and said, “I can’t get into your pants.”

Karen said, “Exactly. And if you don’t change your attitude, you never will.”

And they lived happily ever after.

Psychology (1)

A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students: “Today we’ll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage.”

With that, he takes his cell phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

“Hello, may I please speak to Dave?” says the professor when the other person answers.

“No, I’m sorry, you have the wrong number” says the person on the other end.

“You see that students, that’s surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like.”

He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number. When it answers, the professor asks.

“Hi, can Dave come to the phone?”

“I told you, you have the wrong number”

“That’s irritation, my friends” says the professor. “Now, let’s look at what rage looks like.”

He picks up the phone and dials the number again. When it answers, he asks, “Is Dave available?”

“LISTEN, YOU STUPID. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, I’LL COME OVER, BREAK THAT PHONE IN HALF AND THROW IT. AND IF IT DOESN’T WORK, I’LL CRACK IT WITH MY HAMMER!!!”

“And that’s rage.”

“Professor, you forgot the fourth stage,” says a young man in the front rows.

“And what might that be?” asks the professor.

“It’s called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate.” He comes up to the podium, takes the professor’s phone and dials the same number.

“Hello, this is Dave, has somebody called me today?”

Movies (1)

Only in the movies:

It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking.

No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.

When paying for a taxi, don’t look in your wallet as you take out the note. Just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds – unless it is the door to a burning building with a child inside.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once – it is called Stallone’s Law.

All bed sheets reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

Anyone can land an airplane as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

Movies (2)

Movie ratings explained:

G – Nobody gets the girl.
PG – The good guy gets the girl.
R – The bad guy gets the girl.
X – Everybody gets the girl.

Funny truth (1)

From American Demographics magazine, here’s a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans into foreign languages.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, “Fly in leather,” it came out in Spanish as “Fly naked.”

Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer from diarrhea.”

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue’s line, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” sounds much more interesting in Spanish: “It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate.”

When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of “v” is f – which in German is the gutteral equivalent of “sexual penetration.”

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that “Puff” in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren’t too fond of the name either, as it’s a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. “No va” means “it doesn’t go” in Spanish.

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, “Pepsi Brings You Back to Life” pretty literally.

The slogan in Chinese really meant, “Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave.”

When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like “Coca-Cola.” The only problem was that the characters used meant “Bite the wax tadpole.” They later changed to a set of characters that mean “Happiness in the mouth.”

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the “Mist Stick”, a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA – with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside since most people can’t read.

Funny truth (2)

Some of former U.S. vice president Dan Quayle’s most famous foibles…

“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. No, not our nation’s, but in World War II. I mean, we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.” (Press conference, 15 September 1988.)

“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.” (Cited to the Cleveland Plain Dealer, 27 September 1990.)

“You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be.” (Speech to American Samoans, April 1989.)

“Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.” (Press comment in Hawaii, 25 April 1989.)

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend towards more freedom and democracy, but that could change.” (Cited to the Wall Street Journal, 26 May 1989.)

“I believe that I’ve made good judgments in the past, and I think I’ve made good judgments in the future.” (Video is available.)

“We don’t want to go back to tomorrow, we want to move forward.” (Video is available.)

“The future will be better tomorrow.” (Video is available.)

“I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L. A. My answer has been direct and simple. Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.” (Speech to the Commonwealth Club of California, 19 May 1992.)

Compiled by: Diệp Minh Tâm